Well, here’s an opportunity for you, this is the application (pdf) for the new Stan Lee show on the WB, Who Wants to be a Superhero. Perhaps we should get a representative of the library community on this show as a way of counteracting the dreaded shushing librarian action figure. I’m sure if they make action figures of the people on this reality tv show, they’ll at least have kung-fu grip.

Here are the questions from the application, and how a librarian might answer them.

Superhero Name: Toshukan, the Ninja Librarian
Non-Superhero identity and occupation: Librarian!
Describe your character’s costume and appearance: Wears Lipstick and lots of leather. No buns or glasses, unless they are of the cool sunglasses variety!
What 3 primary powers does your superhero have? Lightning fast intelligence to find the information you need. The invulnerable teflon coating that builds up with years of public service — any insults or attack will just magically slide off. Secret CD-ROM Attack of Death, like Jet Li in Black Mask.
What secondary abilities, skills, or talents does your superhero have?
The ability to magically fix all paper jams in printers, above average strength from lugging books around, superior math skills from tracking sign-up times on internet terminals in library.
What special weapons or tools does your superhero have?
Magic Anonymizer Wand scrubs databases and library records when waved in the air, preserving patron privacy.
What does your superhero do when not fighting crime?
Runs summer reading program, mans the reference desk.
Does your superhero have any talents or hobbies?
Getting modified.
Does your superhero have a specific code of conduct?
Umm… ALA code of ethics?
Describe your superhero’s personality:
Slightly bewildered that she is a librarian, but coping as best she can.
How does your superhero transform?
She possesses the ultimate interdimensional handbag, giving her the ability to carry around as many books as she wants, as well as multiple ninja outfits, and hundreds of pairs of cool black boots. In times of trouble, she can vanish inside her handbag, and also use it as a dressing room or to teleport to a safe location.
What is your superhero’s motivation? Does your superhero have any specific abilities or goals? I hate questions like this, so I’m going to write a random list of goals that either I or my librarian friends have discussed at some point–
To achieve ultimate power and benevolent dictatorship by becoming a library director. To meet a cute FBI agent. To go back to school and get a second master’s degree. To move to Michigan and live happily ever after. To find a second career.
Does your superhero have any specific friends, family, or loved ones?
The Emotional and Professional Support Gang, consists of a group of library school buddies, all superheros in their own right, who band together when times are tough to fight the forces of evil!
How does your superhero get around?
A combination of the aforementioned interdimensional handbag, or super silent rollerskates.
What are your superhero’s catchphrases?
“Don’t call me Marion!” “Beware my Bibliowrath!”
What are your superhero’s weaknesses?
Fearsome budget cuts, administrative tasks, and the sight of John Ashcroft acts like a mind numbing fatal poison.
Where did your super hero get her powers?
Graduate School and top secret ninja training.