Please stop stalking me, college alumni directory!

First of all, how did you find my e-mail address when I did not give it to you? Why do you send me massive megabytes of html e-mail asking me to update my listing, when I would prefer to remain unlisted?

Why would I want to be in an alumni directory when my name appears quite obviously in any search engine. Frankly if someone from my late unlamented past would have to rely on an alumni directory to contact me, I probably don’t want to talk to them.

I know you want me listed so you can continue to pelt me with alumni magazines, in the vain hope that someday I will bequeath you all my worldly possessions. Dude, that will never happen. I will never be rich. I will not have any possessions to bequeath, beyond stacks of unorganized books, comic books, and dvds.

So stop sending me little yellow postcards asking me to update my listings. Stop e-mailing me, stop calling me at 2 in the morning, stop slipping rosepetals underneath my front door. Because you will not get anything out of me, college alumni association! You already took an alarming amount of tuition money from me! Nothing more!!!